I have seen Janet Jackson’s boob. Frankly I can not understand what the big deal is. Google returned over 41,000 hits on the phrase “naked breast”. The words “hooters”, “boobs”, and “breasts” returned over 117,000 hits. Currently the phrase “Janet Jackson” and “boob” together returned 10,300 hits, including some that claim to take you directly to photos of Janet herself partially and fully nude. (Editor’s note: This research was exhausting.)

We see boobs on the Discovery channel weekly. We can see partial boobs of varying sizes and exposure on each episode of “Charmed” and after 10pm EST you may catch a glimpse of the golden globes on the cable channel of your choice. I’m not talking about the Spice channel here. Everything from the Comedy Channel to Lifetime will occasionally flash you with the money shot. So it’s not as if any male over the age of 8 and a working remote control is a stranger to this exclusively mammalian phenomenon.

CNN has run clips of the shocking event and commentary on just how shocking it is almost non-stop since the wardrobe malfunction took place. Pundits are lining up to throw their two cents into the ring and tell you how it’s a sign of the moral decline of this current generation, as if Marilyn Monroe’s billowing dress and undies didn’t become an icon for the 20th century. The nipple slip has become the saving grace of many an aging diva looking to cash in on America’s fascination with all things mammary.

And what other boobs are now showing? CBS was busy denying all knowledge of the intended act while revealing memos immediately hit the Drudge Report showing that everyone there KNEW what they were about to pull off. Stock of Viacom, the parent company of CBS, rose over 1% today as soon as the market opened and stayed there all day. The FCC jumped on the bandwagon saying there will be a full scale investigation of this whole breast thing (can you imagine the hours of mock-ups and simulations being run in their secret labs?) and they’re going to cash in on it in their own unique way as well. A maximum fine of $27,500 can be levied for a single hooter shot, BUT it can be levied against each affiliate showing it. In this case, the over 200 affiliates of CBS makes this a 5.5 million dollar boob. That’s MISS Jackson, if you’re nasty.

When all is said and done, we come away from this as a society looking rather tawdry. Overdone glamour and glitz and talent less popstars entertaining us while we watch overpaid athletes in what has become the lowest common denominator in the entire sports kingdom while meanwhile failing companies spend fortunes to peddle their overpriced wares. By making a big deal out of this we are looking like fools to the entire world, who quite frankly couldn’t give a damn if the entire United Nations discourse was broadcast in the buff. We are the only culture on Earth who still pretends to be horrified by anything sexual while simultaneously using it to sell our products, entertain us on television, and in some cases educate our children. To paraphrase Captain Renault from Casablanca, “Shocked, I am SHOCKED to find out there is vulgarity in our society.”

So let Janet enjoy her 15 minutes of fame. She hasn’t had a hit in ages and her brother is getting all the publicity lately. By making a big deal out of this we are demeaning ourselves and our society and making a laughing stock out of us all. It’s a boob. A breast. A hooter. A teat. 3 million viewers saw it for less than 2 seconds. The only interesting thing about it at all was the freaky little gold pasty. And even that got boring after I wore one around the house for a few hours.